"Raw Emotions"

[lil_miss_bea3]

"Raw Emotions"

Quivering at the presence
Darkness expands
As palpable as my raw emotions
Paint my core black
The color of my hopes
Tint it red and it has become my deepest qualms
My wicked nature spoon feeds the goodness of the world
To feed the Devil's Whore
Swallowing the sublime creations
Strengthening the essence of despair
Hope a thing of the past
Black blood now washes ashore
Ripples of waves drown the existing
Dusk takes a new meaning in my desolation

[lil_miss_bea3]

Supposed to be:

"My wicked nature spoon feeds on the goodness of the world"

[crazy a]

*in Butt-Head voice*

"Uhhh...is this, like, death metal or something?"

[img]wink.gif[/img]

[machinery]

I remember one piece of advice that i took into consideration when i was a young writer.

don't use million dollar words when all you need is ten cent ones.

to me, this poem is jam packed of word choice (by you of course) that doesn't make sense.

i think you wanted it to sound good and "cool."

let's think about your title:

raw emotion.


when i think of raw emotion, i don't think of:

Tint it red and it has become my deepest qualms
My wicked nature spoon feeds the goodness of the world
To feed the Devil's Whore
Swallowing the sublime creations
Strengthening the essence of despair


words: what deepest qualm to you speak of?
what is your wicked nature?
and who is the devils whore? I want to meet her.

what is the sublime creation?

and the essence of despair?

listen juice.... this is loaded with words that aren't needed.

i want you to let me get your point, along with the others that read this..


here is what i get..

so you gave up on the world and turned bad( hence the mention of the devil) and then the world was gone, the sea turned to blood and there is no more hope and you find yr self alone at dusk?

is that what you were going for?

i only tell you these things because i want to help and also want to know.

i'm picking yr brain.

[Hannibal]

This was .... much different then your other works.
I would almost say 'vastly' different, but.... that may be too much.
It's different.
Machinery covered much of what I think others may find wrong w/ this PIECE as well. (i spelled it right, just for you Rob)

[crazy a]

Incidentally, far be it for me to tell anyone how or what to write or whether it's any good or not, but this just strikes me as something I would've written when I was 16 and listening to Black Sabbath after a bad day at school. Probably like a million other 16-year-olds were doing. But hey, some people are into this kind of writing.